Why people say yes

Leah describes the idea behind Encounter in one line: when people feel special and feel invited into something, "they're more apt to say yes to it." Encounter is curated. We want people we'd genuinely enjoy doing life with, traveling with, and building with. Research backs parts of that, and it's worth knowing which parts.

The narration that opens every Encounter invitation starts the same way: "You've been personally invited because someone believes you'd be a wonderful addition to this community." Everything in this series grows out of that sentence.

In a set of preregistered experiments, Peggy Liu and colleagues found that people consistently underestimate how much others appreciate being reached out to, whether with a brief check-in or a small gift. The people receiving the message focused more on the pleasant surprise of being thought of. The gap was larger when the message was more surprising, and between people who weren't especially close.

For an invitation, that means the friend you haven't spoken to in a while may value hearing from you more than you'd guess.

Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake (now Vanessa Bohns) ran six studies, and in the first three people underestimated by as much as 50% how likely others were to agree to a direct request for help. People who ask focus on what saying yes costs the other person, and forget that saying no feels uncomfortable too.

The discomfort of saying no is exactly why the VIP method gives people room. The invitation goes out with a personal reason, the person explores it in their own time, and the call only happens once they're interested. We want a yes or a no to feel equally easy.

M. Mahdi Roghanizad and Vanessa Bohns found that people underestimated how often strangers would agree to requests made face to face, and overestimated how often strangers would agree over email. Emails from strangers seemed suspicious and drew less empathy.

Those studies looked at strangers and email. We haven't found research on voice notes or messages between friends, so treat this as our working practice: a personal message or voice note from someone the person already knows carries trust that a generic message doesn't.

Karen Huang and colleagues found that people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were better liked by the people they talked to. Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar, and Nicholas Epley found that deep conversations between strangers felt less awkward, and created more connection, than people expected.

Put together, the research points one way. Reach out more than feels natural, ask more than you tell, and trust that people care more about what you share than you think.

We haven't found a verified study showing directly that feeling special, or personally chosen, raises the chance someone says yes. Leah's point comes from her own experience inviting people. The studies above are related evidence, and none of them tests her point directly. We'd rather say that plainly.

Send one person a short message with no invitation attached, just because they came to mind.

Share this piece with your team before anyone writes a first invitation. Most new members hold back because they assume they'll be a bother. The Liu and Flynn findings give them permission to reach out, and the VIP method gives them a way to do it that respects the other person.

Mastermind prompt from the Málaga training: Where do you tend to over-explain, apologize, or push for a decision? What would a clear, relaxed invitation sound like instead? If you haven't seen it yet, it's available in the Community.