The Art of the Invitation · Part 3
Making it personal
Say why they came to mind, share the invitation, and let them reply in their own time.
People can tell when a message was written just for them. Section 9 of the invitation narration describes what goes into a personal invitation: why this person came to mind, what they might enjoy about Encounter, and why you'd love them to be part of it with you.
This part turns your list into words.
The practice wording
The Málaga training gives practice wording you can adapt. If you haven't seen it yet, it's available in the Community. Swap every bracket for something true.
The personal invitation
“You came to mind because [specific reason]. We're building Encounter around community, learning and travel, and I think you'd really enjoy [relevant part]. Here's your invitation. Have a look and let me know if you'd like to explore it with us. [LINK]”
Give them room
The VIP method is clear about the next step: send the invitation and let them explore and reply. Don't propose a time to talk up front. The training puts it plainly: a meeting request isn't the default first step.
Room is what makes it an invitation. Flynn and Bohns found that people overlook how uncomfortable it is to say no. A message that asks for a meeting straight away puts that discomfort on the other person. A message that says "have a look and let me know" lets them say yes because they want to.
Message or voice note
The VIP method suggests a personal message or a voice note with the digital invitation. A voice note carries your warmth and your pauses. Keep it under a minute, start with their name, and say the reason first.
Research on requests compared face to face with email between strangers, and face to face won (Roghanizad and Bohns). No study we've found tests voice notes between friends, so treat the voice note as our working practice.
Kindness lands better than we expect
Writing a personal reason can feel exposing. Two lines of research suggest it's worth it. Erica Boothby and Vanessa Bohns found that people underestimate how good a sincere compliment makes the other person feel, and overestimate how awkward it will be. Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley found the same pattern with expressions of gratitude.
Your reason is a kind of compliment. It tells someone what you see in them.
Write yours
Make it yours
- What's the specific reason for the first person on your list?
- Which part of Encounter would they enjoy most?
- Would you rather send this as a message or a voice note?
For example: “Hi Sam, you came to mind because you're always the one planning the next trip for everyone. We're building Encounter around community, learning, and travel, and I think you'd love the trips we're planning together. Here's your invitation. Have a look and let me know if you'd like to explore it with us.”
For leaders
Most first drafts either over-explain or apologize. Lead with what's working, then ask a question so the member makes the edit themselves.
When someone shares a draft
“Thanks for sharing this. The line about why she came to mind is lovely. What would happen if you cut the rest and let that line do the work?”
Sources
- Flynn, F. J., & Lake, V. K. B. (2008). If you need help, just ask: Underestimating compliance with direct requests for help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1), 128–143. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.95.1.128
- Roghanizad, M. M., & Bohns, V. K. (2017). Ask in person: You're less persuasive than you think over email. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 69, 223–226. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2016.10.002
- Boothby, E. J., & Bohns, V. K. (2021). Why a simple act of kindness is not as simple as it seems: Underestimating the positive impact of our compliments on others. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 47(5), 826–840. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167220949003
- Kumar, A., & Epley, N. (2018). Undervaluing gratitude: Expressers misunderstand the consequences of showing appreciation. Psychological Science, 29(9), 1423–1435. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797618772506
- Encounter team training in Málaga, "An invitation worth sharing," 9 October 2026. Available in the Community.
- Encounter invitation narration, "ENCOUNTER | A private invitation" (approved wording, sections 1 to 10, 14 September 2026).